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Recap of The Bachelorette,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
A lot of people were kept busy tonight during the "Men Tell All" reunion special; in fact, we're thinking that, whoever got paid to bleep out all the colorful nouns that were used to describe Justin deserved time-and-a-half. But there were several notable people who weren't involved in tonight's show. Like, where was Justin? Or Frank? Or Craig M.? Or. well, frankly,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], we're even a little surprised that Rozlyn Papa (from Bachelor Jake's season) didn't show up, too. We realize that she had nothing to do with Ali; it's just that ABC seems to trot her out onto any show that needs a little ratings boost.
But tonight was all about Ali and her men. She began the evening with Chris Harrison, as they watched unseen footage of Roberto trying to open a bottle of champagne but instead almost taking out Ali's eye with the cork. (Someone almost lost an eye? What was this - A Christmas Story?) Okay,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], so Roberto might want to take "sommelier" off his list of potential jobs to apply for once this show is over.
Chris N. is back (we would say that he's back by popular demand, but we all know that would be a lie) to explain why is it that he is so damn boring. Actually. that isn't far from the truth. He was asked why he would always disappear from the group, which apparently happened enough times to earn him the nickname "The Phantom." (At least it's better than the nickname that Justin apparently earned, which apparently rhymes with "shmass-hole.")
In fact, Chris N. even opened up his shirt onstage to reveal a T-shirt with the words "The Phantom" on it underneath. We were going to say that Chris N. will probably regret getting a T-shirt with a Bachelorette reference on it, but then we remembered that there were people on that stage who presumably have much bigger regrets.
We're of course referring to Kasey, who seemed to be in so much pain while watching footage of his singing-filled date with Ali that he had to cover his face. (Don't worry,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Kasey - we felt your pain during that singing.) Kasey claimed that he is happy that he got the tattoo and that he appreciated Ali letting him go when he did. Wow - we haven't heard that much damage control since the last press conference by the CEO of BP.
The guys had plenty of criticisms for each other. Tyler V. (who?) told Jonathan that he "bitched out" by complaining to Ali about Craig M. (There are actually people on Team Craig? Does Tyler also think that Lois Lane "bitched out" every time she needed saving from Lex Luther?)
Ty then called Kasey a "looney tune," but somehow made it sound like he was praising him for staying true to who he was, since he was a "looney tune" from the very beginning. Uh. is that really praise? That's like saying that the Mariah Carey movie Glitter was awful, but at least it stayed true to its awful nature from the get-go.
Ty also discussed Frank, whom he described as having feelings for his ex Nicole that "kept knocking on the back door," to which Frank finally said, "I gotta answer this." How is it that, when Ty tries to describe "true love," he makes it sound like some pesky FedEx guy who won't stop ringing your bell until he gets your signature? Let's just say that - when it comes to summing up love - Ty pales in comparison to Lord Byron. or even a made-for-TV movie starring someone like Valerie Bertinelli.
The time finally came to discuss Justin. Chris Harrison asked Craig R. what he thought of him, but Craig said that he didn't want to rush to judgment about him or say anything that he might regret later. No,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], wait. Craig actually said that Justin is "evil," and that what Justin did is "one of the worst things you can do to a human being." So much for letting cooler heads prevail.
And,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], according to Craig R., the worst thing you can do in life is to. mislead someone while on reality TV? Is Craig equally mad at The Situation, who is brazenly claiming to be only 29 years old?
The subject of Justin's phone messages to Jessica came up,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], as Kirk mentioned that he listened in while Justin called Jessica from the bathroom (in Iceland) while running the shower and sink to drown out the noise. Sure, Kirk was mad that Justin was deceiving Ali,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but we were more mad from a conservation standpoint. Doesn't Justin realize that parts of Europe are in a severe drought right now? That selfish bastard!
As we mentioned, there were lots of people (like Justin and his myriad girlfriends) who apparently turned down ABC's offer of getting ridiculed and insulted for two hours (and who would say no to that?), so instead we got to hear from the real inside source on the matter: former Bachelor contestant Jessie Sulidis, who has never met Justin and is barely acquainted with his girlfriend,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Jessica. Okay,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], so we might be curious about what Jessie has to say, but let's just say that interviewing Jessie isn't like Chris Harrison nabbed the last interview with Michael Jackson before his death or anything.
Jessie tells us that Justin forbade his girlfriend from having a Facebook page (no wonder the ladies love this guy!). She also mentions that Justin doesn't own a car and has to walk to girls' houses (like we said, he's a regular babe magnet).
Ali then comes out and gets to spend a little time with the guys, including Kirk,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], who says that Ali has helped him realize that he's ready to find love. Translation: "Please pick me as the next Bachelor,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], ABC!" (And why were there so many people onstage who never got to speak? We feel like "Shooter" may have had some wise philosophizing about the world that he'll never get to impart to us. Then again. maybe he didn't.)
And then, instead of hearing from anyone like Frank who's, y'know,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], interesting (although apparently Frank will be interviewed next week), we hear from a few fans of the show from the audience. Chris Harrison asks what they like about the show, and they mention the "dates," "drama,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]," and "hot tubs." In other words, in case you've never been to a Mensa meeting,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], now - after hearing those fans talk - you know what one is like.
So we still didn't get any closer to finding out who Ali might be choosing in the finale next week. But we did get plenty of other information, like 1.) Jesse is way too tan; 2.) It's a shock that someone like Jonathan - who gets paid to appear on television daily - can still be so unaware of how annoying he is; and 3.) Rozlyn might not have had anything to do with the show tonight, but she is still a bitch. (Just thought we should point that out. Someone has to make the tough decisions around here.)
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