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Aging Disgracefully Remix
Let's Rethink the Holiday Party Remix Baker vs. Tree: A Yuletide Story Sexiest Man Alive: Marty Baker BakerMuse is back: Male Pattern Blindness Cavemen, chloroform and chocolates. Rethinking romance. Follicle Follies or Splitting Hairs. (Remix) A BakerMuse True Story Musical Hell. Loitering at the bottom of the musical food chain. Remix. A starter kit. The Pillsbury Dough Boy and Charlie the Tuna Intervention: A remix A needless survey of curmudgeons Restaurants to Avoid. A BakerMuse Remix Worst Album Covers Ever. A Remix. Finding the right guy. A guide for women remix. Further Misadventures in flight. A remix. Aging Disgracefully Remix Procrasticise! Remix An Afficianado's Guide to the Flu Remix The BakerMuse Guide to Writing a Best Seller Why I am no longer a sugar daddy. Great hotels. Bad postcards. The Four Yorkshiremen Reprise Neighbors and other disappointments Das Snoot Turf Wars. A BakerMuse True Story. Testosterone. The early years. The Frigid Chronicles Part One Unsanitized for your protection. BakerMuse Anniversary Part 2 BakerMuse Celebrates 50th Anniversary Welcome to Stinky Town The Foxworthy Factor. The Jerky Boy BakerMuse Live from New York City: Viva la Revolution! BakerMuse Live From New York City The Upside of Downsizing Quibbles Part 4: The grunt, the yell and the floating gorilla A sociological study of the elderly or Geezer 101 Me and the Mighty Gavalon The Free LifeTime Movie Generator Why Lou Dobbs Loves Me I need a man purse and other confessions What I Learned On My Vacation And Other Terrors Part 2 What I Learned On My Vacation And Other Terrors Part I My Christmas List Revised Splitting Hairs Ugly is the New Beautiful Worst Album Covers Ever Part 2 Worst Album Covers Ever Part 1 Let's Rethink the Holiday Party Intervention: Charlie the Tuna,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the TRIX rabbit and the Pillsbury Doughboy The Man Code. Decoded. Quibbles Part 3 Starring Orville Redenbacher Never let an egghead write your tag line. An expose. Cluttergate Fashion Mistakes. The Sequel. Songs from Musical Hell Please don't stare at my stag and other fashion mistakes A Jones for Java Part 2 Tong Envy and Aspects of Aspic Bourne Again, the Movie Quibbles: Part 2 Clinical observations from the bottom of the musical instrument food chain Expose! My Coke Habit. Condemned Cuisine Nyuk. Nyuk. Why Men Love the Three Stooges: A Guide for Women Quibbles: Part One Procrasticise! Restaurants To Avoid -- A BakerMuse Culinary Guide An Afficianado's Guide to the Flu Let's Bring Back the Fez The Angina Monologues Pardon Me While I Slip Into Something Less Comfortable. Finding the right guy. A guide for women. Aging Disgracefully SpongeBob: Now Smellable Bed Bath and Way Beyond Do it yourself surgery My Kryptonite,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the hot dog. Duck and Cover with Bert the Turtle A Jones for Java. My secret history with coffee commercials #1 Counting My Blessings and Other Mathematical Problems
I made a huge mistake recently. In a brief flirtation with vanity, I purchased a magnifying mirror. I bought it because I received an electric razor as a gift and I wanted to achieve the Harry Hamlin -- a permanent five o'clock shadow. In some social circles it's known as the Flintstone. This mirror was so powerful it makes a single pore look like the Mariana Trench. At 6X magnification you can actually see your skins cells die only to be reborn as liver spots.
Frankly, when it comes to my face, I'm not a fan. I once accused my parents of genetically engineering the worst two strands of DNA they could find to form my face. To create a horrible and disturbingly lingering visual for you, I can tell you I am the love child of Danny Kaye and Nathan Lane.
For starters, I've developed what I call the Statler and Waldorf. Suddenly, deep lines have formed from both sides of my lips headed down to the chin. In other words, a ventriloquist's dummy.
Truth be told, the Baker clan doesn't age well. At 40, we begin to self-destruct on a cellular level. Add this to a massive metabolism shut down and you've got what plastic surgeons call a real money pit.
Naturally,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I immediately made my way to the super-mega-pharmacy hunting for serums, moisturizers, unguents,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], ointments,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], humectants,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], lubricants,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], balms,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], creams, wipes and puffs.
There were four aisles of hope,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
Exotic stuff like eye lifting serums, thermal skin polishers,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], tone enhancers,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], night recovery treatments, deep penetrating foam, intense hydrating cream,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and pore redefining scrub, shea butter, co-enzyme Q10 and copper.
The smaller the bottle,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the higher the price. My fear was that my eyes would look seven years younger -- but my the rest of me would look like a Komodo Dragon. So I put away the corrective foaming protective redefining hydrating balm. Then,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I returned home, gazed in the mirror and noticed the Rose Kennedy dowager hump growing on my back.
There was time when I used to dream about being chased by scantily-clad wood nymphs carrying large pepperoni pizzas, now I just dream of well-endowed Medicare Part B plans. Ah, the good life.
Thanks mom and dad for the DNA.
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