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Does this teen have a secret goth life
My daughter is 15. She is a normal,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], intelligent girl with fairly typical teen interests. She likes anime and manga and it has let it be known that they enjoys the design and style of dress-up called Gothic Lolita. She designed a point to explain that this is not related to the Lolita book; it's not sexual (and my own studies have confirmed this). It all seemed innocent enough in my experience until I discovered a relevant video she'd uploaded to the Internet where she's a lot of gothic make-up on and it is singing an audio lesson by a Gothic Lolita artist. If I couldn't know it had been my child, I wouldn't have recognized her due to the make-up and hairstyle. Besides the song being rather dark, what bothered me was that they uploaded this in secret (I stumbled on the hyperlink while doing a clean-up on the computer) and I haven't seen her wear such make-up, hair, etc. We've had general conversations about posting things on the web, forums, etc. While the video is not really bad (you are able to only see her face), the fact that she's carrying on this persona and posting it online has me concerned. I'd rather not confront her for fear that she will end up more secretive. Must i be worried?
From: Should I Be Worried, Worcester, MA
There's two issues here: Why has your daughter turned to the goth look in the first place, and exactly what does it imply that she hasn't shared the extent of this with you?
There are many reasons why a girl might select a goth style: to rebel against the pervading popular culture in her own school making her feel a range of emotions from left-out to marginalized, from different to ugly; to recognize with music she likes; to express internal feelings of pain, exclusion, grief or loss.
For anyone who is worried? The road from concern to fret obviously is due to why you think she's going this route. To be sure along with you: simply because she's there, does not mean she's engaging in risky behavior.
Why has she kept it of your stuff? Didn't you keep things out of your mother when you were 15? I sure did! One big difference between then and today is technology. It's there and our children understand how to use it. Having an on-line every day life is pretty typical nowadays. Should you be worried? I'd be looking for the standard,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], age-old tip-offs: Drop in grades; significant changes in eating or sleeping patterns; withdrawal from activities she's always enjoyed;
alterations in personality or behavior. Does she get home with red eyes or minty breath that might be hiding the give an impression of alcohol? With clothes smelling from pot or smoke?
Continue the on-going conversations about on-line dangers. Ask her, "Show me a number of your preferred internet sites, in order to see what you are thinking about these days -- it has been such a long time since I've been an adolescent!"
Is "cleaning in the computer" something you've always done? Does she learn about it, specifically does she realize it gives you use of her history? Maybe she wanted you to find the site. If she doesn't know, this is the time to inform her what "cleaning up the computer" means, and that it takes place every x months. You don't want to spy on her, or to offer her the perception that you do.
Lastly, there are some terrific books for moms and dads of teens. Here are some of my top picks:
Both you and your Adolescent,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Revised edition," by Laurence Steinberg; "Staying connected to your teenager,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]," by Michael Riera; "The secret lifetime of girls," by Sharon Lamb.
There is another reason she might be in to the Gothic Lolita style - she likes the actual way it looks. I do not think you need to think that since it has got the word "gothic" inside it that it signifies pain and suffering. If you do a quick Google search for the term, there's little that indicates this style is geared toward misfits, unhappy teens,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], those thinking about expressing pain. I think it's a beautiful style and maybe the LW's daughter is more fashion-aware or artistic than a few of her peers and simply loves the look of the design and style.
This not saying the LW really should not be involved in her daughter's life and ask questions,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
Posted by poppy609 October 26, 11 09:57 AM
OMG. This is the most absurd thing I've read in ages. The most drugged out drunkards I knew in senior high school were the most popular kids - all "normal" looking to the core. The most promiscuous? Them again. As an old street punk with a normal career,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], a happy family and home life, I can only state that I'm going to be pleased to help dye my daughter's hair when the time comes - and to show her where to get quality gear and never the cheap Hot Topic rubbish.
FTR LW - she probably hid it of your stuff knowing that you'd overreact and reach out for "help" for a child who probably doesn't need any. At least,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], not any help with this particular matter.
Posted by Phe October 26, 11 12:45 PM
I must state that I've found it a little disconcerting that people are questioning why the daughter considered this look. If she wore mini skirts and tank tops and listened to Katy Perry,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], would we question her? No,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], we'd celebrate her as a typical teen. This look doesn't always indicate sadness, drug use and angst. Actually, from my very own high school experience, I'd become more concerned with the peppy cheerleader than the kid wearing a lot of eyeliner and black clothes. She posted a video online where she sang a song and wore lots of makeup. She didn't show an inappropriate amount of skin or give out personal information. Believe me, head to YouTube right now and you will find a couple of teens have posted videos of them recreating Lady Gaga performances. It's normal. Just make sure she knows your rules about what's appropriate to post and what's definitely not appropriate.
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